I loved my husband , I hate what happened to him and how we still struggle to find safety in our lives.

I mean a hulking 6'2 man at 230 lbs was knifed and came tumbling to the floor, the element of surprise helped the perp, there's no doubt about that .


Who would think that someone wants to kill them?

I know that alone boggles my mind.

If they are ever found , I will go to the trial .

It will probably hurt like hell to see it all unfold again , see details I've shoved to the deepest recesses of my mind ,and hear what reason this person had for doing it .


Even the agent who is my liaison to the FBI deems it unnecessary to get back to me from when I tried to call him last time.


I am tougher than I thought I could ever be, but not as jaded as I expected to become. 

 Coping is one nanosecond, one second, one minute , one hour at a time, then one day at a time.


I tend to be upbeat sounding , but keep in mind ,I have been at this for five years.

I have more optimism than sense most likely .

On the bad days though ,everything is washed in fear.

I can see everything imploding and no one alive to tell the tale. 


I believe my stint as an Air Force brat taught me to roll with the punches.

 

 I write in my blogs because I like the thought of people reading about me ,a total stranger living through trauma , and I can also see my transformation as each years goes by. 

I felt I needed  to do a public service announcement on why someone widowed might actually not be totally

 

 

 

An afternoon jaunt into Franklin County  netted a bounty of  treasures of the material and spiritual variety  .

Shelburne Falls , the place we came 2K miles for ,looked lovely and much less forlorn and rundown as it did last November.

 

We may have found another venue for Steff's art as well.A shop on Bridge Street is interested in seeing her portfolio.

 

The Bridge of Flowers was filled with blossoms of every kind imaginable  .

 

I do believe that all the bees other states  are missing  were actually on the bridge buzzing about .

 

I kept my cool , let them do their thing and just kept snapping away.

Part of the rent includes the lawn cutting ( thank goodness), so at various intervals  some poor

dude shows up ( or two sometimes ) on a riding lawn mower  and proceeds to take at least 1 full day or 2 half days to get her done.

Then they have to come back and weed whack the next day .

 

They never tell me when they are coming , they just show up out of the blue zipping around the yard .

 

Last week  one of my stalky solar beauties by Steff's room did a swan dive,

 after he had to manhandle it a bit to trim around the back of it.

 

The fellow rang the doorbell with my poor bent beauty in his hand and profuse apologies.

I told him these things happen, and maybe I could get  her back out there shining the night away before  you knew it.

 

I searched in vain for glue but could only  locate duct tape.

 

Lo and behold that stuff works wonders.

A few strips carefully placed around the exposed  wires ,everything lined up again

 and surgery was successful.

 

Solar light surgeon and healer  at your service .

 

.

Except I hoped to be thinner.That came true.

I am still here with my daughter fighting the good fight for sanity
and living past life changing trauma .

Tom still inhabits the inner workings of us both.
His life a wonder to remember,his
senseless loss leaving us bereft of understanding .

My life is different than I ever thought it would be, but the crystal ball was cloudy even the day before he died .

I had but a vague outline of our futures to work with even back then .

I got a reprint of my 1981 senior yearbook yesterday.

I realized it was 26 years ago, which is over a quarter of a century now.
I don't feel old despite the evidence to the contrary.

Who was that girl? All cheekbones , big eyes , wearing her mother's
hand-me-downs and pumped full of romance novel dreams .

I never dreamed she'd live through all this and come out the other end . 

Specifically the foods of my childhood. 

 

 

Being a military brat who spent most of her growing up years overseas , I pretty much  ate my way through Europe.

 

Food is and will always be  not only something to keep me alive , but an adventure.

 

Learning the difference between mindlessly stuffing one's gob  and enjoying every nuance  can be quite  the job.

 

The internet  ,despite it's inherent evils ( child porn , stalkers  , identity theft) , can be a rich source for reconnecting with the foods

of one's life.

 

One flick of plastic , numbers typed in and I am soon sitting in a cafe slurping Belgian coffee, dipping  German cookies in  and  nibbling on Italian chocolate .

 

It's actually  my study  and most likely the  keyboard will get a bit  sticky , but hey  , it's cheaper and less time consuming than  trying to fly these days .

 

If it's not body cavity searches  at the airport , it's bombs in people's shoes, or  primates  dangling underneath  a fellow traveler's  hat.

 

Personally, I  prefer  my  international noshes  monkey- free ...

The Temperance card suggests that my alter ego today is the Mediator, whose superpower for negotiation lies in my innate ability to create the right chemistry within a particular situation.

 

 I am a continual work in progress. I strive for equality, balance and compatibility -- driven by my innate sense of fairness.

 

This provides a certain degree of predictability in my actions, and is my recipe for success.

As in all things truly worthwhile in life, love is an art, sketched and painted atop a canvas of mutual respect.

Such a foundation allows only for the occasional brush stroke to cover a mixed message or misunderstanding, and avoid use of the paint roller.

 

 Take it one day at a time, valuing all things with such an openness as to provide not only the proper balance, but to allow for proper action when needed. 

 

 ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥  

Nice advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

My childhood bath doll finally put to good use !    

Appreciation for all those who voted for me at Artella and you know who you are  ! 

 

     

 

 

I won third place for my poem at Artella --

I am someone's poetic idol !

 

 

 

 

This was the Sunday breakfast my Dad made nearly every weekend during the four years I lived with my parents after Tom died.